I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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