I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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