hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
