the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
