Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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