glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have peed in a lot of sinks
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
