a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
