I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
