i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
