I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
