i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
