And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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