thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
