Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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