and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My life is pants optional.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
