I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The convent might be a nice break from real life