Don't make out with my wife yet
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
