...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
