Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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