why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
