The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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