Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I currently don't understand fingers.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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