a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
