I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
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It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
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if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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