I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
