Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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