my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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