I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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