hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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