You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
