i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
