if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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