and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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