she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
