Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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