My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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