I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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