OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize