Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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