OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
