If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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