you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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