i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
