I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
