we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
