does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...