And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Randomize
