I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
