now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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