sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
