I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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