I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
