Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
