I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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