just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
