Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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