I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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