Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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