More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ladies don't puke and tell
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
